I think you nailed it, the music works, and you managed to tell a story too

My only thought is whether this type of song could tilt a little more toward 70s-style dynamics (e.g., check out Jim Croce's
Operator for an example of what I mean). Obviously, your song is
very different but what it has in common is that to my ears, the song's foundation has a singer-songwriter vibe. Those arrangements tended to be a little more open, with more dynamics.
But...that's solely a personal preference that may have nothing to do with
your intention. I say this because sometimes when producing someone, I'll do two different mixes from two perspectives and see which one they like. They choose the alternate mix about half the time

.
Sometimes musicians don't realize how versatile they are until someone points it out to them. You might try doing a future song in this kind of style and see if it resonates with you.
Finally, I truly appreciate that you've tackled social commentary, and managed to do so with sympathy instead of being mean-spirited or trivial. Extra credit for that, it's tough to pull off.